At the age of 17, there were two things I really wanted. One thing more than the other. I kneeled beside my bed in the upstairs bedroom of my childhood house in Elk Grove, clasped my hands so tight you would’ve questioned whether I was trying not to let go of the little ounces of hope that was speckled and hidden in the corners and cabinets.

I prayed. Every morning and sometimes every night.

It started off ambiguously with words like “good health” and “good education,” but soon fear crept into the house and started to suck the genuine joy out from all who entered and departed. Fear forced my shy heart to be stern in my wants and my demands.

I don’t remember ever kneeling with the lights off in the dark, but as I recall these particular moments, the flashbacks are all in dim lighting. Cold and dark…

…a familiar scene that mirrors the current state of my life. Here I am, more than a decade later, in my gloomy Los Angeles apartment, wrestling with similar themes of health and success, yet under vastly different circumstances. The echo of my past prayers blends with the uncertainty of my current health situation, drawing a line through time that connects these differing moments of my life.

The story of my mother’s fight (a story many know all too well, so I’ll spare the readers) is a chapter I thought had taught me all there was to know about loss and resilience. Yet, here I stand, on the brink of another personal battle, feeling the weight of deja vu as I face the unknown. Although… I’ve been here many times before… it always feels different.

This cyclical return to a state of seeking divine intervention for health and success ALWAYS feels like a full circle moment, a reminder that some lessons in life are revisited, each time with a deeper understanding and a different perspective. My journey from those days of prayer beside my bed to now, sitting in reflection AND introspection in my apartment, is a testament to the evolving nature of our battles and victories.

The unanswered prayers of my youth have, in hindsight, offered answers in their own right… teaching me that the fabric of our lives is woven not from the outcomes we desire but from the strength we find in moments of uncertainty. My education, my career, my very identity have all been shaped not just by the goals I’ve achieved but by the challenges I’ve faced along the way.

As I confront my current state of mind… I’m reminded of the resilience that has been instilled in me through all of my past experiences. The same determination that carried me through is what now fuels my resolve to face whatever lies ahead. It’s a realization that, while the specifics of our prayers may change, the underlying hope and strength they represent remain constant. ALWAYS.

In this moment of reflection, I understand that my journey through life is a series of interconnected moments of faith, challenge, and growth. The prayers of my 17 year old self, filled with naive hope and desperate pleas, have matured into a quiet confidence in my ability to navigate life. Just as I once kneeled in the darkness of my childhood room, I now stand in the soft light of my apartment, ready to face the future with the same resilience and determination that has guided me this far.

This cycle of life, with its recurring themes and lessons, teaches me that we are never truly starting over but rather continuing on a path that is uniquely our own. It’s a journey marked by full circle moments that remind us of how far we’ve come and how much we’ve grown. Whatever the outcome, I, you, we… are fully equipped to meet it with grace and strength.

Thanks to the lessons learned from the prayers of the past.

Also… if you’ve read through any of my journal entries prior to this… you’d know what my first and most important prayer always was. For the second, well, I once thought I’d be wandering the streets of New York as a bright eyed student at NYU. But years after facing that rejection, I came to the realization that New York is a city I don’t think I could ever want to live in (don’t hold me to that though since we never truly know exactly how our life will go). But seriously, too many pigeons with attitude problems rats the size of babies. Soon i’ll have you in tears when I pen the story of me running for my life from a NY rat. So, in a twist of fate that now seems like cosmic comedy, I ended up a proud Buckeye at The Ohio State University. And you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. Turns out, my prayers did get answered, just not in the way I expected. So here’s to life’s reroutes! May they always lead us to places we’re happier in.