If I told you how many times that the song, “Single Again” by Harmonize replayed through my airpods while I penned my thoughts below then you wouldn’t believe me.

To the men for whom I was a moth, drawn to the flame of desire… here is a toast to you. 

Every time the side of my face is pressed against the window I find my mind always drifting off into the clouds, cradled in the airplane’s steel belly, my eyes scanning the deep blue domain for moments to capture with my camera lens, the solitude nudges me towards introspection. 

It’s intriguing how the altitude, as if a catalyst, jolts all of your dormant thoughts, pushing them to drift along the cloud trails, crashing into territories often ignored or glossed over.

In those quiet moments, if my family doesn’t occupy my thoughts, the ghosts of past relationships do, each man having left a distinct imprint on my soul. As I hover in the sky, the anticipation of my milestone birthday swirling inside my head, I reflect the beginning of a new chapter in my life, a chapter yet to be touched by a love that I crave.

Do you really know me if you don’t know how much I cherish love? The love that binds me to my friends and family, the love that lights up their faces in genuine smiles. Their radiant energy is my lifeline, a beacon guiding me out of life’s darker corridors. Yet, one facet of love dodges me, the love of a man.

I grew up in a fatherless household, my mother being thrust into widowhood when I was a fresh two years old. Fearing the unknown, she chose to remain unattached, her dread of the potential harm a man could inflict on her or her children in her absence serving as her rationale. She remained focused on her children, family and friends for 17 years… alone until she took her last breath. Not a man in sight since she said her final goodbyes to my father. Her fear, somehow, has been passed down to me, casting a shadow over my interactions with men. Something I have recently come to realize. My relationships, or to be more precise, my situation-ships, were never fully executed. I couldn’t shake off the thought of potential hurt, the scar that my mother dreaded becoming MY OWN nightmare. Isn’t it astounding how our guardians’ fears and upbringing shape our realities and thought processes?

As I embark on this fresh chapter, I yearn for the love that has dodged me so far. I yearn for the genuine warmth of a man, the promise of security reciprocated, respect returned, and infatuation echoed. To the men who betrayed me, deceived me, wounded me, and broke me, I say, here I am, UNbroken, UNdeterred. If I could navigate the treacherous waters of heartbreak, why wouldn’t I be ready for a smoother stream?

As I pen down my wishes for this new chapter, one wish resonates during my current homeward journey from Dubai – to experience the profound love of a man. But don’t be dismayed… this is not my only wish for myself. It’s the one that is fun to write about and share with readers of my thoughts.

Recently, I’ve reconnected with a man from my past, the father of the unborn child that was carried for a fleeting two months. Our past is a complication of emotional wounds and heartache, but in a bold move, I asked if he would ever consider embarking on a more serious journey with me. One that I was positive he’s thought about in the past with me. To be fair, I thought about asking others from my past… there is only one though, that I can see me going backwards to. The one that was my friend first.

Anyways.

I’ve begun to view the pursuit of a relationship more as an experiment than anything else. I need to know that I’m capable of committing to one man, not out of necessity, but by choice, for an extended period of time. This relationship could unfold into my forever story or, if it ends, at least I can say I truly gave it my all in my adulthood. I’m drained from the love that “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” shared in the 2005 film. Or, the love where I have one foot out the door and my eyes wandering. 

However, I must emphasize again, the desire for a man’s love isn’t the entirety of my birthday wish. It’s merely a facet that’s been highlighted because, let’s face it, stories of love tend to captivate audiences more than anything else. My other desires, they remain confined within the pages of my secret journal entries, like hidden treasures waiting to be discovered. If you wish to know my aspirations for my career, my personal growth, my family, and my friends, you’ll have to ask. These desires are not locked away but they require the key of genuine interest to be unlocked. If I were to pen the stories of friends I’ve lost and friends I’ve questioned the loyalty of, it’s likely to be perceived as dramatic or messy. Those thoughts will stay with me or within the texts/ confrontation calls.

Anyways.

I stand on the cliff of a new chapter, with a heart ready to love and be loved, with dreams cradled in the core of my soul. As the plane descends, carrying me back home from Dubai, I’m filled with a sense of anticipation for what the future holds. I’m stepping into my new chapter, ready for new experiences, ready to unseal my secret wishes, and ready for the journey ahead.